Matthew Mullins, reflecting on what made Frederick Buechner such a deeply empathic writer:
The theologian, in a commendable attempt to make the ways of God known to humans, drifts away from the death of his dear friend, or her mother, or your mother’s dear friend, and sets out to understand death as one abstract element in the larger rubric of God’s world.
What is lost in this effort to fit death into the rational matrix of God’s world is the particularity of human experience that is integral to human understanding. […]
The poet does not seek to translate experience into the language of certainty, nor to rationalize it into a coherent and reliable system. Rather, the poet attempts to recreate the experience itself in language that enables readers to inhabit the very same experience, or a similar one perhaps. The poet sets out to use language that will allow readers to imagine a world in which they themselves can see, hear, and feel what’s happened, and to grapple with what it means to care for a sick child, or to get stuck in a thunderstorm, or to wake up from a dream. Literature doesn’t try to tell you what to think about the things that happen to you; it tries to make things happen to you.
Oh, I like this very much.
I don’t remember when it started exactly, but somewhere around 2015, I started loosening my grip when it came to “theology,” at least as I had usually understood it. I was tired and feeling (always mildly and often heavily) hypocritical and inconsistent. I don’t know what originally changed. I know there were events from 2017 and on that were very significant for me. But the “trouble” started before then and I’ve never quite been able to put a finger on it.
Some things I do remember are things I read. They are the kinds of things that, when you read them for the first time, you feel as if you’ve been preparing for it. You’re not standing in the dark and suddenly the lights come on; it’s more like watching a sunrise and then, one second more, there it is. Or maybe it is like feeling for a light switch in the dark. You don’t know exactly where or when you’ll find it, but you’re feeling around the walls for a switch and when you do find it and the lights come on you know exactly where you are.
Here’s how Seamus Heaney describes what I think is this same feeling. Referring to Borges’s introduction to his own first book of poems:
Borges is talking about the fluid, exhilarating moment which lies at the heart of any memorable reading, the undisappointed joy of finding that everything holds up and answers the desire that it awakens. At such moments, the delight of having all one’s faculties simultaneously provoked and gratified is like gaining an upper hand over all that is contingent and (as Borges says) ‘inconsequential.’ There is a sensation both of arrival and of prospect, so that one does indeed seem to ‘recover a past’ and ‘prefigure a future’, and thereby to complete the circle of one’s being.
To complete the circle of one’s being — and not only once, and never perfectly, but continuously to do so. This is what I mean by being prepared for it. The fact is, the best reading a person will ever do isn’t the kind that corrects all of his or her mistakes, but that steers toward completion those thousand internal works which, whether we know it or not, are just waiting for the right word to come along.
I remember, for example, reading Gilbert Meilaender’s book on C. S. Lewis, The Taste for the Other, and the description of what he calls Lewis’s “reality principle,” that we are made for relationship with God and each other and the world. Given the inherent messiness, sacrifice, self-denial, discovery, and everything else that goes with it, the opposite of “reality” is the purchasing of “a tidy view of life at the cost of the world.” Lewis believed that, rather than systematizing the world, “the theologian must give himself, as it were, to the amazing multiplicity of experience and wrestle with the data of a pilgrim existence.”
So while I can’t say exactly why it started to happen, one way to describe what did happen is that I started losing whatever tidy picture of the world I had had. Which meant that I lost the need to explain things that I didn’t and shouldn’t know how to explain. I started losing the need for answers, and therefore the (usually unstated) need for perfection. And what followed was greater, more natural human sincerity. Genuineness, in other words.
Here’s Czeslaw Milosz, describing something very similar:
When I was, as they say, in harmony with God and the world, I felt I was false, as if pretending to be somebody else. I recovered my identity when I found myself again in the skin of a sinner and nonbeliever. This repeated itself in my life several times. For, undoubtedly, I liked the image of myself as a decent man, but, immediately after I put that mask on, my conscience whispered that I was deceiving others and myself.
The notion of sacrum is necessary but impossible without experiencing sin. I am dirty, I am a sinner, I am unworthy, and not even because of my behavior but because of the evil sitting in me. And only when I conceded that it was not for me to reach so high have I felt that I was genuine.
There is a lot to be said about this feeling. It matters to me that Milosz doesn’t say that he’s realized there’s nothing actually wrong with him. Somehow he realizes that he’s been unnecessarily hard on himself without be entirely wrong about himself. Imperfection is simply his condition. I think that sometimes when we notice that imperfection, we are driven to undo it. Or, if not to undo it, perhaps by systematizing it and telling ourselves and others that we’ve understood it all, we can get a similar feeling. We don’t tell ourselves that we’ve undone our condition per se; we’re not that openly arrogant. But our (supposed) extensive grasp of the situation lets us feel just about as good as if we did somehow get around it.
The opposite of getting around it is jumping into it. “Always,” Lewis wrote, “one must throw oneself into the wave.”
Kay Ryan said of Emily Dickinson that “She sends very hot things through the cooling coils of her poems and plays with them in her bare hands. For of course poems must include hot things; if all the hot things are removed the result cannot be poetry since it is the job of poetry to remain open to the whole catastrophe.”
“Open to the whole catastrophe.” Is that not a better image of theology — an image of better theology — than the “systematic” one that has dominated the craft for so long?
Of course, the only possible way to end this is with a poem.
Richard Wilbur:
SOMEONE TALKING TO HIMSELF
Love is the greatest mercy,
A volley of the sun
That lashes all with shade,
That first day be mended;
And yet, so soon undone,
It is the lover’s curse
Till time be comprehended
And the flawed heart unmade.
What can I do but move
From folly to defeat,
And call that sorrow sweet
That teaches us to see
The final face of love
In what we cannot be?